It's pretty terrifying.
I've grown up very extroverted, I love meeting people and making friends, It's what gives me energy. And although I do cherish my alone time, being an extrovert, being alone too long causes me to become depressed/lethargic. Unfortunately, when I'm around people, especially unfamiliar ones, I will start to feel incredibly uneasy. Normal thoughts like "that was an awkward thing to say" or "are they looking at me?" will turn into many paranoid thoughts. I'll start to feel worthless, like no one should talk to me or be near me because I'll just bring down their moods or say something to ruin the mood in general, and when I start to overthink what I'm saying only weird and awkward things will come out, and I'll start having a hard time deciphering how appropriate my comments are.
When I face a situation my mind interprets as stressful, adrenaline will start rushing, and my head will instantly fill with different ways to avoid the stressful situation. It's either that or everything will just blank, all I have is the awful adrenaline rush, and I'll have a hard time processing what is said to me, or how to respond. It's also tends to be difficult to leave the house, once I'm actually out I realize and know it's not that scary, it's not bad at all. But when I'm there with the world looming in at me it seems like once I leave everything will go wrong. Scientifically, I've learned, a lot of this is due to my flight response, reacting at small situations that my mind perceives as more serious than they actually are.
Then, of course, there are panic attacks. The severity depends on what's happening. My biggest trigger is angry yelling. If I'm in a fight with a friend or family and I get too scared, it'll become difficult to breathe. I'll often say a lot of things that I don't mean, and things that don't make sense. There's nothing in my head except for the feeling in my chest, and the feeling of suffocating, drowning. So later, when I'm in my right mind, I'll realize how much I didn't make sense and only confused the situation worse, and I'll just feel so terrible about it I won't want to be around people, but the craving for social interaction never leaves.
So as you can tell, this is a very uncomfortable situation, I crave for social interaction and attention, but when I get it I feel all the pressure of being around people. When I'm alone, I want to be around people, when I'm around people, I want to be alone.
I've had many people in my life tell me that "I shouldn't use my anxiety as an excuse", as if I were trying to be lazy or something. For all of those out there who know how I feel, I know it's hard to brush stuff like that off, but they can never know what it's like to have something unless they already have it. Some people will never understand that, or they never try to which frankly is selfish. But there are a lot of people out there who do understand, after surrounding myself with people who do understand me (or try to), things seemed to get a little easier. There are some things that are always going to be harder for you, but just know, you're not alone.
I've grown up very extroverted, I love meeting people and making friends, It's what gives me energy. And although I do cherish my alone time, being an extrovert, being alone too long causes me to become depressed/lethargic. Unfortunately, when I'm around people, especially unfamiliar ones, I will start to feel incredibly uneasy. Normal thoughts like "that was an awkward thing to say" or "are they looking at me?" will turn into many paranoid thoughts. I'll start to feel worthless, like no one should talk to me or be near me because I'll just bring down their moods or say something to ruin the mood in general, and when I start to overthink what I'm saying only weird and awkward things will come out, and I'll start having a hard time deciphering how appropriate my comments are.
When I face a situation my mind interprets as stressful, adrenaline will start rushing, and my head will instantly fill with different ways to avoid the stressful situation. It's either that or everything will just blank, all I have is the awful adrenaline rush, and I'll have a hard time processing what is said to me, or how to respond. It's also tends to be difficult to leave the house, once I'm actually out I realize and know it's not that scary, it's not bad at all. But when I'm there with the world looming in at me it seems like once I leave everything will go wrong. Scientifically, I've learned, a lot of this is due to my flight response, reacting at small situations that my mind perceives as more serious than they actually are.
Then, of course, there are panic attacks. The severity depends on what's happening. My biggest trigger is angry yelling. If I'm in a fight with a friend or family and I get too scared, it'll become difficult to breathe. I'll often say a lot of things that I don't mean, and things that don't make sense. There's nothing in my head except for the feeling in my chest, and the feeling of suffocating, drowning. So later, when I'm in my right mind, I'll realize how much I didn't make sense and only confused the situation worse, and I'll just feel so terrible about it I won't want to be around people, but the craving for social interaction never leaves.
So as you can tell, this is a very uncomfortable situation, I crave for social interaction and attention, but when I get it I feel all the pressure of being around people. When I'm alone, I want to be around people, when I'm around people, I want to be alone.
I've had many people in my life tell me that "I shouldn't use my anxiety as an excuse", as if I were trying to be lazy or something. For all of those out there who know how I feel, I know it's hard to brush stuff like that off, but they can never know what it's like to have something unless they already have it. Some people will never understand that, or they never try to which frankly is selfish. But there are a lot of people out there who do understand, after surrounding myself with people who do understand me (or try to), things seemed to get a little easier. There are some things that are always going to be harder for you, but just know, you're not alone.
posted from Bloggeroid
